


the only moment we were alone

by ellembee



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 12:30:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15640788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellembee/pseuds/ellembee
Summary: Clarke and Bellamy have a much-needed conversation before going into cryo.





	the only moment we were alone

**Author's Note:**

> Title from an Explosions in the Sky song.

Clarke had put Madi to bed hundred of times over the past six years. She had hummed lullabies, told stories, and rubbed her back until her eyes fluttered shut and her breathing slowed. But this time was different. Madi wasn’t a child anymore, couldn’t be really. Sure, she was still _Clarke’s child_ , but she had led an army into war. She had witnessed death, wielded it like a blade, and in the quiet aftermath, she had helped decide the fate of the human race.

The four hundred or so of them that remained.

This was a good night, but it was also a goodbye and a promise that all would be better when they woke up.

After six years of quiet, meandering peace, the last couple of weeks had been a blur of violence and impossible choices. Clarke’s gut twisted as she watched Madi disappear into the cryo chamber and the thoughts she had kept at bay threatened to consume her.

 _What could she have done differently? How could she have stopped this? How had she lost her home again?_

First the Ark, then the dropship, and then Arkadia. This time, it wasn’t just the valley, but all of Earth.

The ground. That had been the dream.

All around her, cryo chambers closed as people whispered their goodbyes. She turned in time to catch Bellamy’s face as he watched Octavia disappear into hers.

She walked toward him. He met her half way.

“Can we--”

“I think--”

They started and stopped at the same time. The awkwardness and uncertainty that had hovered around so many of their interactions these past few weeks was alive and well. They had fallen so completely out of sync that they could barely have a conversation.

“Can we talk?” Bellamy asked. “Before…”

She nodded. Maybe the disconnect wasn’t as strong as she thought. “I was going to say the same thing.”

Despite the fact that they were the last two awake, it felt odd to have a private conversation in front of hundreds of people. She followed him to the bridge. The window that faced Earth was thankfully still shut. Clarke couldn’t handle seeing the dead planet again.

There were plenty of chairs but she sank to the floor, her back against the wall of the ship. Exhaustion overwhelmed her. She hadn’t felt this tired in almost six years, not since the day in the desert when death had circled overhead.

But things were different now. The valley was gone, but there was still hope.

“We’re still breathing,” she said as Bellamy sat down beside her.

His smile was small, soft. She wanted to curl into him and cry into the dark fabric of his Eligius shirt. She wanted to be held like she hadn’t been in years not because she missed the intimacy of another person, but because she had missed _him_.

Six years of waiting and longing, and his return was nothing like she had hoped. Of course, reality never matched up to her dreams. After all, she used to dream of the ground.

“We’re still breathing,” he repeated. 

She settled for resting her head on his shoulder. She felt him turn, felt his lips in her hair. For a moment, they sat there, surrounded by the silence of the ship. She couldn’t remember a time when she and Bellamy were allowed to just exist, to just be. A memory flashed before her, a loud, rowdy night surrounded by the other delinquents. A drinking game, Bellamy’s smirk, a weight off her shoulders for the first time in months. But that night hadn’t ended well either.

“I’m sorry.” She looked over at him. “I’m sorry I left you in Polis.” The words hurt, each letter a sharp blade, cutting her on the way out. She had almost lost him. She had left him behind to die.

“I’m sorry I left you six years ago,” he said.

She shook her head. “That’s not the same. It’s not even close.”

“Clarke…”

“I wanted to protect her. I had to. She’s my family. Just like Echo, Raven, and the others are yours.”

He frowned and reached for her hand. “I never meant you weren’t a part of my family. I wanted to protect you too.”

She turned her head, hoping to hide the hot tears that slid down her face. She didn’t want to cry anymore. She didn’t want to think or worry or feel. But there were things she had to say before any more time passed.

“I poisoned my sister for you,” he said.

This hurt too, another knife to her skin, slicing her open. She had done so many terrible things since landing on the ground. How could he add this to her list of sins? She couldn’t take any more weight.

“I didn’t ask you to do that,” she said.

“She was going to execute you. I had to--”

“All I asked was that you take care of Madi!” The words burst out of her before she could stop them. “I would have died before letting anyone put the flame in her head.”

All the anger she had thought she put to rest came rushing back. It didn’t matter that she had let Madi go or that Madi was safe now. All she could see was Madi slashing that prisoner’s throat, wanting revenge for the murder of the defectors. Blood must have blood. It was what the grounders lived by.

Bellamy stood and stalked a few paces away, his face in his hands. When he turned back, she saw the anger burning in her chest reflected on his face. This was not the quiet, hopeful conversation she had wanted.

“I did it to save you,” he said. “To save all of us. It was the only choice we had left.”

Clarke pushed herself to her feet. “It wasn’t your choice to make.”

“I asked her,” he said. “I never forced her to do anything. She understood the consequences--”

“She’s a child! All she understood was that by accepting the flame, something she had lived in fear of her entire life, she would save me.”

Bellamy squeezed his eyes shut and turned away to rub his eyes. When he faced her once more, he looked as tired as she felt. “I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry for doing what I had to do to save our people.”

“Don’t--”

“It’s always the impossible choice,” he said, talking over her. “It’s never easy, and it’s never what we want to do. You know that.”

“You don’t understand. You can’t. I was alone down here. I had nothing, no one. The bunker was buried, you were in space…” She could see he was gearing up to interrupt her again, so she plowed forward. “I’m not mad that you left me. There was nothing you could have done. But I waited for you to come back. For six years, I waited, and the only thing keeping me going was Madi.”

It was quiet again. The silence of the ship, of space, settled around them. His face looked so closed off. She feared the conversation was over now, that they would carry this hurt for another decade. Maybe for the rest of their lives. Then, his expression softened and he closed the short distance between them.

“For six years, I thought you were dead,” he said, cupping the side of her face.

She leaned into his touch, the anger draining out of her. They had both done so many terrible things, for each other and to each other. She didn’t have it in her to be mad anymore. Not at him.

“I never wanted you to die,” she said quietly. “Leaving you in Polis was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But I did it to save Madi.”

“I get it.” His hand fell from her cheek to her shoulder. He squeezed. “I grew up protecting Octavia. I would have done anything for her.”

Clarke finally gave into her earlier instinct and stepped into his arms. He pulled her closer without hesitation.

“Except let her kill you,” he said quietly.

Clarke stiffened. For a moment, she thought they had gone in a circle and were about to rehash the entire fight, but then Bellamy spoke again.

“Did you really radio me everyday?”

Startled, Clarke stepped back, out of his arms, away from his warmth. Her lips parted, but no words came out.

“Madi told me,” he said.

She stared at the controls to her right. She didn’t know how to talk about this without revealing another truth, one that she couldn’t tell him. Not here. Not yet. It wasn’t the right time. Maybe it never would be.

But she had to say something.

“At first, I just wanted you to know I was okay. I had hoped you could hear me, even if I couldn’t hear you.” Her bottom lip trembled as she fought back another wave of tears. “Then it made me feel better. Less alone.”

“And after you found Madi?”

“I missed you,” she said. “I wanted you to come home. I wanted you to see the valley and meet Madi. And you couldn’t, so I told you about it instead.”

Six years. Over two thousand days of words he’d never hear, but she would tell him. She had promised herself that when he came back she would tell him everything.

“I talked to you too sometimes,” he said. “On the ring.”

“Yeah?”

“When things felt impossible or hopeless, I’d have a conversation with you in my head. You kept me going.”

Warmth flooded through her, filling up the wounds their argument had left behind.

“There were so many things I wanted to say to you and never got to,” he said. “When I found out you were alive, I suddenly had a second chance.”

“It hasn’t felt like a second chance. It’s felt like the same war, the same impossible decisions. Except this time, you and I were on different sides.”

“We’re both here now. The war is over, and we finally have a real chance at peace.”

He was right, but she didn’t want to think about what came next after the earth healed, and they returned. She couldn’t stand the idea that they would make the same stupid mistakes. She had done so many terrible things, had given up so much of herself. She wasn’t sure she had much left to give, not if they fell back into the same cycle of violence.

“You don’t have to be alone anymore,” he said. 

“Then why do I still feel so alone?” Her voice cracked on the last word. She wanted to look away, but his gaze pinned her in place. The relief she had felt at the return of her friends had shattered so quickly. After so long, she had been surrounded by people again, but the isolation had clung to her, a barrier they couldn’t break through.

Sometimes, it felt like no one cared enough to try.

“I’m not leaving you ever again,” he said.

She nodded, grateful that one of the most important people in her life finally seemed to understand.

“We’ll figure everything out,” he said. “Together.”

He took her hand, and she smiled. For the first time since she saw Eligius IV land, she remembered what peace felt like. Right now, there was no war to fight, no devastating plan to make. All they could do now was sleep.

“There’s still so much I want to say to you,” he said.

“Then say it. You waited six years. Do you really want to wait another ten?” Her tone was light, teasing. It felt familiar and so, so good to talk to him like this.

“If I tell you, I’d want to do something about it, and I can’t. Not yet.”

“Bellamy.”

He looked so serious. It was unnerving. She didn’t want to wait. She was so tired of waiting.

“Clarke, I…”

Maybe he was tired of waiting too.

“You’re right. We always think there will be more time, but it’s never enough.” He took her other hand. “I love you,” he said, like it was easy, like it was natural, like it was the only way he knew how to live. He couldn’t guarantee more time or lasting peace, but this he could promise.

“But--”

“I’ve loved you for so long. I tried to stop when I was on the ring. I tried to let it go because it was killing me. But then I saw you again. You were alive, and you were hurt, and I knew I would have done anything to save you. Anything.”

She moved into him, her hands going to the back of his neck, her fingers curling into his hair, but she stopped a breath away from his lips. She knew what he had meant by not being able to act on this. Even though she desperately wanted to kiss him, she didn’t. But she didn’t move away. Instead, she placed a gentle kiss on his cheek before laying her head against his chest.

The sound of his heartbeat filled her head, and she sighed, grateful that she had gotten a second chance too.

“I love you,” she said. It was as easy as he made it seem. The future was unknowable, but she could trust this feeling. She had carried it for years. It wasn’t going away anytime soon.

He wrapped his arms around her, and relief flooded through her. She didn’t need the Ark or Eden or Earth. Here, now, like this, she was home.

“When we wake up,” he said, “I want this. I want us.”

“I want that too.”

She didn’t say Echo’s name or ask what he’d say when the time came. She decided to soak in this feeling of hope and possibility instead. She wanted to dream about it.

“Do you think we could stay up a little longer?” she asked. Even though she knew it wouldn’t feel like ten years, she wasn’t ready to let him go yet.

He nodded and returned to his former seat on the floor. When she settled beside him, he wrapped his arm around her. Once more, her head found his shoulder.

“I hope you still like kids,” she said. “Since I have one now.”

He laughed. “Didn’t you see the mug? I’m the best dad in the universe.”

She laughed then too, a little giddy at the impossibility of the two of them together like this. In their six years apart, she had hoped this would happen when he returned. They still had some catching up to do and amends to make, but it would happen. 

When they woke up, it would be a whole new world.


End file.
